Market Research

To your right is a white cowboy hat, worn by a guy entirely too skinny for his own good. To your left is a dance floor where two-stepping is the only acceptable form of dancing besides grinding. In your hand is a plastic cup of well gin, soda (even though you asked for tonic) and a lemon because they've been out of limes for hours. It smells faintly of pine sol, cigarettes, and college. You may be sitting in the disco-balled darkness with friends and people you love, but you've already seen about seven people with whom you went to high school and you hoped never to see again, or forgot they existed entirely.

This is not a bad dream, your high school reunion or an old friend's wedding. This, my friends, is a glimpse into the elusive concept that is the Abilene bar scene. A scene where class is often replaced with rambunctiousness, and I had to learn the hard way that red wine at an Abilene bar is a mistake.

Now, I don't pretend to know the ins and outs of every bar in Abilene, but I have had my share of nights painting the town. In my opinion, there are only five bars you need to know about if you find yourself in Abilene on a Saturday night.

1. Fat Boss's -- The kid brother to the other Abilene bars, this relatively new place used to be an old bakery. The bartenders always remember my drink, which is a plus (but also kinda sad?), and the waitress comes to your table, allowing you to avoid the thirty-second shuffle to the bar and then the ten-minute awkward wait for the bartender's attention. Like most Abilene bars, Fat Boss's closes at midnight on Friday, but somehow it always feels much later. Maybe I'm just ready to run away from the stares of either creepy older men my dad's age or guys with piercings and muscles they're all too happy to show off.

This is how new Fat Boss's is: this is the only photo I've taken there.

2. The Beehive -- This is actually a restaurant, but their bar has a kick-ass long island iced tea served in a mason jar. Just one of those babies and I don't need to spend another dime all night...but letsbereal I probably will. Dark lighting barely lets you see the dollar bills pinned to the wall by customers. The Beehive is another place where you'll see people you haven't thought of in years, but these people are most likely either your parents' friends or that one guy you had a crush on in high school, but he was a senior and you were a freshman and 3/4 of the way through that long island you kind of half-wave to him only to realize he is waving at the person behind you. So yeah...that kind of bar.

3. Bar 14 -- The one bar that I would agree to go out to on weekdays because it was a stone's throw away from my house. They have open mic night on Wednesday nights and live music Fridays and Saturdays, so this is a great place to go if you don't really need or want to partake in conversation. But there is a back porch (because of course there is) where you can play Giant Jenga and share a massive picnic table with your amigos. I heard a few months back that it was going to close, so I had my birthday celebration there, but I think I heard wrong because Bar 14 is still blowing and going, which I can personally attest to after the last few weekends.

4. Firehouse -- Firehouse would probably be my favorite bar in Abilene if it were in a better location. To quote Ja'mie King: "Sorry, no offense, but it's true." Not that I don't love a good south Butternut St. location, but they're right next to a bunch of warehouses that makes my imagination run wild, which is not a good thing when it comes to dark, scary places. However, once you're inside the bar, it's always a good time. When my anger subsides from paying a $5 cover (which is most likely a safety precaution), there's always a pretty fun band, a dance floor, pool tables and yet another back porch where my friends and I usually spend all our time. One year over Thanksgiving break, I went one night and literally saw every single person I know and love in Abilene. Fond memories of Firehouse are reemerging now, but this post is already too long and I need to get on with it.

5. Guitars and Cadillacs -- Saved the best for last. I have a love/hate relationship with "guitars," because, as you could tell in the intro, there are some things that you must wrap your mind around when you first walk in. It's really more of a spectacle than a bar. When I told/tell my East Coast friends that this place exists, I think they think I'm making it up. Oh my, if only I were. The dance floor is huge and the DJ alternates between country and bump and grind rap. I think the bartenders really do believe tonic water and soda water are the same thing, and you have to side step a white stetson or two every couple of minutes. I have to be in the mood for guitars, which is not very common. But when I do, I'm always entertained and amazed that our society breeds some of the people I see there.

You can decide for yourself if/when you go.

So there you have it, my thoughts on the only bars you need to know about in our lovely little town. Despite all the weirdness I've described here, I've had some of the best nights out at these bars and probably wouldn't change a thing even if I could. No, we cannot rival bars in New York or DC or Dallas, but that's what gives our little scene its own flavor, and I'm partial to that West Texas variety.